Blogonymous

In The Lobotomy Lounge

2008-05-02T20:47:00.011+01:00

REPORTER: So, Boris, How does it feel to be Mayor.

BORIS: Well, I always said that the people of Liverpool are wonderful forgiving people and they have demonstrated that by voting for me in their droves.

REPORTER: Er... yes, Boris. But you're Mayor of London.

BORIS: Really. Right. OK. Where's London? Have I insulted it yet?

LonDon not KenDon

2008-05-02T20:13:00.007+01:00

REPOTER: Ken, what's your reaction to the result?

KEN: I'm looking forward to my third term as London Mayor.

REPORTER: But you lost! Look, it says it here on the front page!

KEN: Everyone knows that The Evening Standard has been waging a long campaign against me. You can't believe a word they print.

REPORTR: OK. Right. So, you seem to be in denial, Ken.

KEN: Did you use to work for the Gestapo?

Frog Blog 9: Local Execution Results

2008-05-02T10:42:00.012+01:00

FROG: Gozza, why are you whistling? You've been slaughtered at the polls!

GOZZA: Yes, Frog. But I've just got my new Artic Monkeys cd.

FROG: Oh.

GOZZA: Croak. Big croak.

Handbags At [Gordon's] Dawn

2007-06-02T22:12:00.000+01:00

So, after ten years of Tony Blair's New Labour project it can all be encapsulated in one succinct, catch-all, revealing sound-bite:

"In the end it all comes down to how much you are prepared to spend on a handbag"

Harriet Harman: fifty quid.

Hazel Blears: two hundred and fifty quid.

John Prescott: depends who its for - wife or mistress.

Glad To See Andy Duncan's Retained His Sensitivity

2007-05-27T14:27:00.000+01:00

Andy:

So, everyone, after the Celebrity Big Brother racism row I would just like to say:

1: Sorry.

2: Really sorry.

3. No, really, we're really really sorry and nothing like it will happen again.

And I can announce that we will be showing explicit pictures of Princess Diana in the immediate aftermath of her fatal crash on a programme next week.

How Now Browne Kow-Tow

2007-04-17T17:05:00.000+01:00

Des:

So I can announce the new rules on combat troops and the press:

Any member of the armed forces wounded, captured or held hostage will not be allowed to benefit from their ordeal by sellng their story to the press.

Any fatality, though, will be allowed to sell their story to the press. To this end the Ministry of Defence will retain a list of approved Medium's to facilitate this process.

Yes, I'm back.

Too Goody To Be True

2007-02-27T19:05:00.000Z

Reporter:

How are you enjoying India, Jade?

Jade:

I'm here on a private visit, for four days. People have been really nice out here.
It's private and there's no cameras or anything. I've paid for the trip myself. That's all I want to say.

Reporter:

And where are you going next, Jade?

Jade:

Oh, I'm just going to join the dogs and eat with my fingers down in Poppadom City.

Waiting For Gordo

2007-02-25T12:01:00.000Z

Rory: Mrs. Beckett? This is Rory Bremner here. I just wanted to 'phone up and apologise...

Margaret: Oh, stop it, Gordon! I know it's you!

For Grandma And Country

2007-02-22T21:14:00.000Z

Harry in combat gear

In a written answer in the Commons, Secretary of State for Defence, Des Browne, confirmed that the 1600 troops to be withdrawn from Iraq soon will be replaced by 1600 bodyguards, minders, batmen and secret service agents who will accompany Prince Harry wherever he goes in Iraq on his tour of duty.

When asked whether it might be cheaper to keep the Prince at home,
Mr. Browne replied:
"Well, it's the night clubs - they've requested he be sent so that they can have some
much needed R&R".

Naming Of The Beast

2007-02-12T20:37:00.000Z

Cameron: It was only a little bit

Reporter: Mr. Cameron, can you tell us, please, did you smoke cannabis when you were at Eton?

David: Well, we used to call it Whiffombulus-Spliffabees so if I did, it wouldn't count anyway.

Reporter: And did you use cocaine when you were at Oxford?

David: Well, again, we used to call it Snortlelee-Chortlelee and therefore even if I did it wouldn't count.

Reporter: When you worked for the Conservative Research Unit did you take ecstasy?

David: You mean Crazy-Floaty-Candy Stuff? How the fuck should I know? I was so off my face by then that I can't remember what I did take or didn't take.

Card Fraud

2007-02-08T16:46:00.000Z

Helen Starkey, Headteacher:

Now children, we are not going to make Mother's Day cards just in case some of you don't have Mothers

And we will not be making Easter cards just in case some of you eat too many Easter eggs and become obese.

And we will not be making Christmas cards just in case some of you don't believe in Father Christmas.

The View From The Home Office

2007-02-07T19:49:00.000Z

John: These letter bombs are very worrying. They are obviously being sent by someone with a bit of a grudge against the motoring authorities.

Reporter: Home Secretary, isn't it more likely to be a complete fucking madman with a psychotic passion for harming his fellow human beings?

John: Well, at the Home Office we take a more relaxed view about these things.

Bidding Goodbye

2007-02-06T17:54:00.000Z

Tony:

Look, everyone. This is getting really serious. The Police are arresting people right left and centre and I'm going to be subjected to questioning, like a common criminal, for a third time. How the hell could they possibly have got on to us?

Lord Levy:

Well, Tony. Er... I think it was your idea... er... the idea to sell the Honours on ebay that was the er... fly in the ointment, so to speak.

Forward Planning

2007-01-30T21:56:00.000Z

The No. 10 door is taken away for a new coat of whitewash

Cherie: Tone, Babe, what happens if Lord Levey, Ruth Turner, Des Smith - and even you - are convicted of this cash for honours thing?

Tony: It's OK, Chezza. We've thought of that. We've filled the prisons so full that there won't be any room for us.

Register Of Members

2007-01-29T16:51:00.000Z

Official: Now, you are being placed on the Sex Offenders' Register. Do you understand?

Paedo: Yes.

Official: That means we require to know your permanent address. OK?

Paedo: Yes. It's 2, Marsham Street, London, SW1P 4DF

Official: Good. Is there a house name at all?

Paedo: Yes. The Home Office.

Official: Thank you. Is there any one who can vouch for your movements there?

Paedo: Yes. Mr. J. Reid.

Official: Excellent! That all seems to be in order. Just let us know if you move, OK? Any questions.

Paedo: Yes, I do actually. How long do I stay on the Register?

Official: What Register?

Not Me, Guv

2007-01-27T17:09:00.000Z

Police have had their knuckles rapped for not chasing thieves who escaped on two stolen motorbikes because "the thieves weren't wearing helmets".
A twelve-year old girl has received a $50 fine from Kent County Council because she didn't collapse a cardboard box that she left by a re-cycling unit.
A Westminster man has got off scot-free despite allowing the contents of his home office to spill out over the country confusing everyone and making us look ridiculous in the eyes of the world.

Priorities

2007-01-26T19:25:00.000Z

Reporter:

Let me get this straight, Prime Minister. We are allowing paedophiles, who pose a clear threat to children, to walk free from court, escaping a custodial sentence. But a journalist who listens to some rather mundane voice messages left by members of the Royal Family is locked up. Is that correct?

Tony: Yes.

Reporter: Could you explain that policy to us, please?

Tony: Our priority is the welfare of the Royal Family. We said our priority was children but we obviously didn't mean it.

Adopting The Position

2007-01-25T14:39:00.000Z

Tony: The position is this. There will be no exemptions for any Adoption Agencies. Except where a Gay couple is also a Catholic couple. Then they should follow their own consciences. OK? Is that clear? And, no, I'm not a member of Opus Dei. And I'm not intending to convert to Catholicism.

Cherie: Ahem.

Tony: Yet.

State Of The Onion

2007-01-24T09:57:00.000Z

George:
Fellow Americans.
We all love our automobiles. And gasoline consumption in our country is running at 120%. So I propose to reduce that consumption - by 20% over the next ten years. Then it will be down to 100%. This will help the eco-structure of the planet, reduce harmful emissions and please statisticians everywhere.

Additionally, I intend that our country should reduce invasions of other countries by 20%. OK, I know what people will say: this will mean more of our troops at home thus increasing gasoline consumption. But I say to those people: Hey, those are the breaks, kid.

Finally, I intend to reduce the number of States by 20%. This involves painful decsions, of course, but it means that we are going to have to let the people of the several States* of the United Kingdom go it alone and finally become a fully independent country.They deserve our gratitude, but once Tony steps down we'd never be able to count on the unwavering support of that dumb Scotch guy they're bringing in.

*According to Mr. Bush, the 12 States that represent the 20% reduction are: England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Isle of Man, Channel Islands, Liverpool, Essex, Isle of Dogs, Greenham Common, France, Europe.

Every Home Should Have One

2007-01-23T17:57:00.000Z

Endemol, the company that makes Big Brother, has seen its shares leap by 10% since the row about racism erupted.

After a hastily covened board meeting today, a spokesman made the following statement:

"Due to the obvious popularity of the Big Brother format and the dynamic tension created amongst the Housmates with the ensuing highly desirable public debate about important issues in our society, Endemol is pleased to announce that it it will be piloting three new shows this year. Working titles of these three shows are:

It'll Be All White On The Night.

Never Mind The Muslims

Segregation Street

I am quite sure that these new shows will earn their rightful place in the affections of the Great British viewing public in the same way that Big Brother has done".

Channel Four, which has seen the Celebrity Big Brother ratings soar, has announced that it will not now be comissioning the new show Spot The Racist. This is due to Channel Four Board Member Lord Putnam's intervention, who is quoted as saying: "The British Public would not want to see the victimsation, or the perceived victimsation, of racists in such a format".

John Reid's Ship Comes In [Again]

2007-01-22T14:42:00.000Z

Beachcombing scavengers on the Devon Coast were surprised to find that several containers, from the stricken vessel MSC Naploli, contained people. Believing they were illegal immigrants the authorities were alerted and the police mounted an operation to cordon off the beach and question the suspects. They all turned out to be British and residents of Her Majesty's Prisons.

Apparently the Home Office, in its increasingly desperate attempts to keep the prison population under control, has been hiring containers, filling them with prisoners and leaving them to serve their sentences sailing back and forth across the oceans.

The prisoners have been offered various inducements, thought to be remission of sentence, cash bonus on release, extra cigarette rations and the chance to appear on a new reality TV Show - Big Porridge.

When Home Secretary John Reid was asked if this is what he meant by purchasing prison ships he replied: "People shouldn't jump to the wrong conclusions here. The literally hundreds of containers on this ship contained a great variety of goods from motorbikes to nappies. We mustn't get things out of proportion. Only a very tiny percentage contained people".

Hilary Rodham Clinton - Come On Down!

2007-01-20T22:50:00.000Z

Hilary: I am announcing today my candidacy for the Democratic Nomination for the President of the United States of America! I'm in! And I'm in to win!

Reporter: Mrs. Clinton, is there any truth in the rumour that Monica Lewinsky is to be your running mate?

Hilary: Close. But no cigar.

[ca va Mb - pour tu - à coup sûr]

A Game Of Two Halves

2007-01-20T22:39:00.000Z

John:

I can today announce a new initiative at the Home Office. It is going to be split into to two distinct parts. The first will deal with everything that the Home Office currently deals with. The second, which will have the same budget, the same number of civil servants and the same number of Home Office Ministers, will deal with all the mistakes that the first part makes.

By the way - I've hurt my finger. Has anyone got a plaster?

Goody Gum Drops

2007-01-19T23:43:00.000Z

Jade:

I'm the 25th most influential person in the world, apparently.

And here's that list you've all been waiting for...!

25: Jade Goody

24: The Cat in the Flintstones

23: Alf Garnett

22: The Security Guard outside the BB House door

21: A cocktail sausage

20: The ghost of Enoch Powell

19: Shilpa Shetty's third Handmaiden

18: Teddy Sheringham

17: Michael Jackson's Plastic Surgeon

16: Max Clifford

15: Sven Goran Erikson

14: Pete Best or Pete Docherty or some other loser

called Pete

13: Lord Lucan

12: Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards

11: Ronnie O'Sullivan's Press Agent

10: Harold Pinter's Milkman

9: The Little Man who sits on Tony's bed and

whispered in his ear "Invade Iraq"

8: Max Clifford

7: Jade's Elocution Teacher

6: P.W. Botha

5: a Banana. Or a Monkey Chant

4: George Galloway's cat

3: Borat

2: The Man who thought it would be clever to

swap an "H" for a "B"

1: Nelson Mandela

[No... just kidding...]

1: Andy Duncan

Crime Prevention Officers

2007-01-19T23:26:00.000Z

Police in Hertfordshire have surrounded a House after reports that one of the Housemates was being stabbed by up to three others. A police spokesman said that when one of the alleged stabbers left the house in a couple of days then the police would interview her.

When it was suggested that surely prevetion was better than cure and shouldn't the police intervene imediately to prevent further stabbings occurring, the spokesman said:

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Uniform November Tango Foxtrot Alpha Charlie Echo.

Rivers Of Blood

2007-01-19T23:18:00.000Z

It has been reported that the Offices of Channel 4 have been broken into. Items stolen include Channel 4 boss Andy Duncan's polo shirt and a file containing information about the next Celebrity Big Brother. Clebrities already signed up so far are said to be

Nick Griffen and Diane Abbott.

Celebrity Little Englander

2007-01-18T22:28:00.000Z

Reporter: Mr. Brown, you say that you would like Britain to be seen as against racism and intolerance . Do you think Jade Goody would agree with you?

Gordon: Well of course not. She's English.

The Acceptable Face Of Racism

2007-01-18T20:56:00.000Z

Indian Reporter: Mr. Duncan, as Chief Executive of Chanel Four, are you happy with all the content of Celebrity Big Brother?

Andy: Absolutely. Yes.

Indian Reporter: You find no racist elements in the treatment of Shilpa in the House?

Andy: Not at all. No.

Indian Reporter: Doesn't that suggest, because you can't recognise the racist content, that you yourself are a racist, Mr. Duncan?

Andy: Look, I'm not prepared to take lessons on racism from any brown-skinned, low-life Paki, like you. OK?

Gods Of The Lesser Children

2007-01-17T20:11:00.000Z

News that protestors have been burning

Big Brother effigies

on the streets of India

have sparked fears that when

the effigies living in

the Big Brother House

get out

they might also get burnt.

Charlie takes His Customary Constitutional

2007-01-16T14:35:00.000Z

The Rt Hon Lord Falconer of Thoroton QC

Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs

and Lord Chancellor

Charlie:

On this day, the three hundredth anniversary of the Act of Union, I would like to lend my support to the view that the Union today is as strong as it's ever been. As evidence of that I would like to announce the result of a poll I have conducted. The idea of an English Parliament has been totally and unanimously rejected by the large, representative sample of the population I polled:

the inhabitants of West Lothian.

Bay Watch 2

2007-01-11T15:13:00.000Z

George:

As we celebrate the fifth anniversary of the Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre, it gives me enormous pleasure and pride to announce a new initiative concerning Guantanamo. Today, the public will be given the chance to vote one of the contestants out of the Camp!

Yes - one lucky guy will be free this time next week.

Call toll free TERROR + the contestant's number

[a complete list will be shown at the end of this broadcast].

And we intend to continue with this new initiative on every subsequent anniversary,

allowing the public to vote off one contestant each year. Which means - yes, you're probably ahead of me on the math - that the final contestant will be voted off in the year

2403 AD.

Good night. God Bless America!

Big Brother Is Watching You, Mr. Reid

2007-01-10T08:58:00.000Z

John: I'm afraid I have some more bad news to announce. Through some fault in the Home Office filing system - which really is not fit for purpose [what the fuck Blunkett was doing here all those years is a matter for speculation] - it has come to our attention that a further category of criminals has slipped through the net. Apparently, one of the Big Brother cotestants has been in the House before. This is obviously totally unacceptable and I am going to put measures in place to ensure it can't happen again. Public security is paramount. I'm afraid, at present, the Home Office represents all that is bad about this country.

Running Down The Country

2007-01-08T10:45:00.000Z

Ruth: Cow!

Hazel: Bitch!

Ruth: Tart!

Hazel: Git!

Tony: Girls, girls, calm down! What on earth's the matter, babes?

Ruth: I should be Minister for Hypocrisy. I'm much better qualified than her.

Hazel: No you're not! I'm the incumbent so fuck off! The Ministry of Hypocrisy is mine. Keep your hands off. Go back to the Ministry for Buzz Words, Buzzy-body!

Ruth: Fuckwit!

Tony: Now hold on. Look Ruth, I really need you to continue at Buzz Words because you are very definitely the best in the business.

Ruth: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: But what we can do is this. We can make you the Minister for Shafting The Public as well. How about that?

Ruth: Minister for Buzz Words AND Shafting The Public? Excellent. Thank you, Tony.

Hazel: What about me?

Tony: And, Hazel, you can be Minister for Hypocrisy and Taking The Voters For Granted.

Hazel: Wonderful, Tony. Thank you. Happy now, Ruth?

Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural...

Tony/Hazel: Yeah, thanks Ruth. Catch you later. [exit]

Ruth: ...community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.

The Blair Babes: Where Are They Now?

2007-01-07T19:53:00.000Z

Mostly in Tony's Kitchen er... sorry... Cabinet.

Hazel Blears: Minister for Hypocrisy

Harriet Harman: Minister for Looking Pretty

Ruth Kelly: Minister for Buzz Words

Patricia Hewitt: Minister for Vacuous Platitudes & No Worries

Margaret Beckett: Minister for Caravans

Tessa Jowell: Minister for Italian Affairs

Hilary Armstrong: Minister for Cobbling Together Something That May Pass As A Policy

Baroness Amos: Minister for Polishing Tony's Ego

Jaqui Smith: Minister Without Recognition

Clare Short: Minister for Truth

John Prescott [Honoury Babe]: Minister for Cocaktail Sausages

New Labour's Legislative Jewell In The Crown

2007-01-06T21:38:00.000Z

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Twelve Hunted Foxes

Eleven Forged ID Cards
Ten Lords a-leaping

[because they got their Honours for Cash]

Nine Middle Class Taxes
Eight Asylum Seekers

[per hour]

Seven Vats of Whitewash
Six Bursting Prisons

Five Golden Spins
Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett Sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Identity Crisis

2007-01-05T21:32:00.000Z

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Eleven Forged ID Cards

Ten Lords a-leaping
[because they got their Honours for Cash]
Nine Middle Class Taxes

Eight Asylum Seekers
[per hour]
Seven Vats of Whitewash

Six Bursting Prisons
Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett Sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Honours Amongst Thieves

2007-01-04T17:29:00.000Z

On the Tenth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Ten Lords a-leaping

[because they got their Honours for Cash]

Nine Middle Class Taxes
Eight Asylum Seekers

[per hour]

Seven Vats of Whitewash
Six Bursting Prisons

Five Golden Spins
Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett Sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

There's No Taxes Like Stealth Taxes...

2007-01-03T19:21:00.000Z

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Nine Middle Class Taxes

Eight Asylum Seekers [per hour]
Seven Vats of Whitewash

Six Bursting Prisons
Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett Sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Lunatic Asylum Policy

2007-01-02T17:25:00.000Z

On the Eighth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Eight Asylum Seekers [per hour]

Seven vats of whitewash
Six bursting prisons

Five Golden Spins
Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

New Year's Frog Blog

2007-01-01T11:58:00.000Z

Frog: Gozza, have you made any New Year's resolutions?

Gordon: I most certainly have, Frog. In 2007 I intend to finally become fully English.

Frog: Interesting. Do you think anyone will believe you?

Gordon: Of course they will! They believe everythng else I feed them, don't they? About how I've given them lower taxes, how my fiscal predictions are always correct, and how I'm not really a frog.

Frog: But you are a frog, Gozza.

Gordon: Yes. Well. Croak.

Pic Acknowledgement: CEP http://www.thecep.org.uk/news/

Dreaming Of a White Legacy

2007-01-01T11:50:00.000Z

On the Seventh Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Seven vats of whitewash

Six bursting prisons
Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Hypocrisy: Who's Over The Limit?

2006-12-31T19:29:00.000Z

The Minister for Hypocrisy checks how many fingers she has after another night's binge-drinking.

"Maybe its our Anglo-Saxon mentality. We actually enjoy getting drunk," Labour Party chair Hazel Blears told the Sunday Times in an interview.

Ms Blears continued: "People go out binge-drinking and do all sorts of stupid things like ending up on picket lines protesting about hospital closures when they are actually responsible for the NHS cuts themselves. It's irresponsible."

Prison...? It's A Riot.

2006-12-31T13:32:00.000Z

On the Sixth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Six bursting prisons

Five Golden Spins
Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

End Of The Baghdad Blagger

2006-12-30T18:18:00.000Z

Executioner: Any last requests?

Saddam: Yes, please. Could you show me a Weapon of Mass Destruction? I've always wondered what they look like.

Job Hunting

2006-12-30T17:46:00.000Z

Tony:

Robin, If I promise you a peerage,

do you think I could become a

Bee Gee?

Pic acknowledgement: Dave Brown [The Independent]

The Show Isn't Over Till The Fat Cat Labour Spins

2006-12-30T12:14:00.000Z

On the Fifth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

'Asbeens' ASBO's

2006-12-29T12:12:00.000Z

On the Fourth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Cherie Shows Her Bloomers in Public [Again]

2006-12-28T12:00:00.000Z

On the Third Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Pic acknowledgement: Tattyworld [www.tattyworld.org]

Staying Alive

2006-12-27T15:19:00.000Z

In a statement, Prime Minister Tony Blair denied that his wife, Cherie, was at the controls of the 747 as it overshot the runway at Miami airport today. He also said that it was "pure speculation" that President Bush was standing on the tarmac waiting to greet the Blairs.

Nobody Says It Better...

2006-12-27T14:39:00.000Z

George: I would like to pay my respects to former President Gerald Ford, without whom, of course, the automobile would not have been invented.

Blair Bans Mad Machine-Gunner

2006-12-27T11:12:00.000Z

On the Second Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Pic acknowledgement: banksy [pic 2]

Christmas Cheer

2006-12-26T16:03:00.000Z

On the First Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

Liz Comes Clean At Last

2006-12-25T15:38:00.000Z

Elizabeth:

And finally, I would like to say that my husband,

Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh,

was absolutely not in any way responsible

for the Death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

I was.

And a Merry Christmas to you all.

The Knight Before Christmas

2006-12-24T19:37:00.000Z

Dear Father Christmas,

Please could you drop a large sack of money down the chimney of the Labour Party Offices. In return I can absolutely guarantee that you will be

Sir Santa

before next Christmas.

OK?

yours ever, Tony.

[PS Don't mention this to anyone]

A Special Kind Of Sorry

2006-12-23T21:37:00.000Z

Jose: I wish to apologise for saying that Andy Johnson of Everton is a diver.

I also wish to apologise for

the Holocaust

Britain's involvement in the Slave Trade

And for being Portuguese

Anything else will have to wait for my next apology which is scheduled for April 1st next year.

The Kirkwhelpington Detective Agency Strikes Again!

2006-12-21T18:43:00.000Z

Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington calls for Brian Barwick to give himself up.

Reporter: Lord Stevens, in the last week you have published two inqury reports which cost millions. Were they worth it?

Lord Stevens: Of course. How else would we have known that Henri Paul was a drunk Football Agent who was trying to lure Princess Diana away from Chelsea to Paris St. Germain?

A Thinly Veiled Threat

2006-12-20T11:40:00.000Z

Reporter: After the events of recent weeks in Ipswich does the Chief Constable intend to put in measures to increase protection for prostitutes?

Police Spokesman: Yes, indeed. He has already instructed one of our WPC's to hand out free condoms.

In Bed With A Superpower

2006-12-19T22:53:00.000Z

Blair defends close ties to U.S

DUBAI/LONDON (Reuters) -

Prime Minister Tony Blair defended his nation's close alliance with the United States on Tuesday and dismissed charges that the relationship has damaged Britain's credibility in the Middle East.

Tony: Yes, we do have a very special relationship with the USA. We love them: they screw us.

Touching Up The Lib-Dem's Image

2006-12-18T22:18:00.000Z

Sir Ming Campbell

has announced a new initiative to counter his "boring fuddy-duddy image".

The Cheeky Boys - a new novelty-pop-vocal duo featuring Mark Oaten & Lembit Opik will introduce all the leader's public appearances with a rendition of their new record:

"The Cheeky Boys [Touch My Bum]"

Return To The Comfort Zone

2006-12-18T20:14:00.000Z

Police Spokesman: With the arrest of a 37 year-old man today in connection with the murder of five prostitutes I would like to reassure all the girls that it is perfectly safe to walk the streets of Ipswich again now. You can be comforted by the fact that all the regular pimps, pushers, addicts, weirdos, winos, sadists, sexual deviants, perverts, exponents of rough sex, wife-beaters and personality difficient psychos will be there to give you succour and treat you in the manner to which you have become accustomed.

Harriet Announces Job Cuts...

2006-12-17T22:08:00.000Z

Reporter: Is it true that you think men who pay for sex should be criminalised?

Harriet: Yes. And also men who pay for peerages, and men who pay for inquiries that are then abandoned. No, just kidding!

National Insecurity

2006-12-15T15:50:00.000Z

Reporter: Prime Minister, may I ask why the corruption inquiry into the Saudi defence deal was halted?

Tony: The problem with that inquiry was that it was getting too near the truth. Now my Government has had an excellent record with inquiries - we've had some superb cover-ups, some outstanding whitewash, some phenomenal spin and some plain, bog-standard lies. Now I am not going to put that wonderful record - the envy of our oponents - at risk beacuse some Zealot in the Serious Fraud Office wants to make a name for himself. OK?

The Conspiracy Is Dead: Long Live The Conspiracy

2006-12-14T22:21:00.000Z

Stevens: So my conclusion is that Princess Diana's death was a tragic accident.

Express Reporter: Did you trace the driver of the white Fiat Uno?

Stevens: No.

Express Reporter: So you can't rule out the possibility that the white Fiat Uno was being driven by Elvis Presley?

Stevens: No. I can't rule that out.

Helping With Enquiries

2006-12-14T22:07:00.000Z

Policeman: Prime Minister: do excuse me for having to ask you this. Have you ever offered a peerage to anyone in return for a contribution to the Labour Party?

Tony: Yes.

Policeman: You have...?

Tony: Yes, I have.

Policeman: I see. Could you provide details, please, Prime Minister?

Tony: I offered Gordon a peerage if he would resign, as a contribution to the future success of the Party.

Policeman: And what did he say?

Tony: Fuck off Tony you can go to hell ha ha ha I'm going to have you're job so screw you and screw your legacy.

Policeman: I see.

Tony: And that's your future Prime Minister for you.

Identity Crisis

2006-12-11T22:07:00.000Z

Reporter: Prime Minister, what are your thoughts on the tornado that hit Kensal Rise?

Tony: No warning, came out of nowhere, caught residents completely off their guard: what further evidence do people want to convince them of the need for identity cards?

Normal Service Is Resumed

2006-12-10T21:34:00.000Z

George: Well, Tony, that seemed to go pretty well.

Tony: You're right, George, it did.

George: We managed to convince everyone that we're going to act on the Iraq Study Group's proposals.

Tony: Well, George, you know what I always say: Just Keep Smiling.

Cheer Leaders

2006-12-08T21:45:00.000Z

George:

Give us an "I"!

Tony:

"I"!

George:

Give us an "R"!

Tony:

"R"!

George:

Give us an "A"!

Tony:

"A"!

George:

Give us a "Q"!

Tony:

"Q"!

George:

What have we got?

Iraq Study Group:

A complete fucking mess.

Powder Kegs

2006-12-06T16:17:00.000Z

Buncefield - Oil Depot

Massive explosion, fire.
Fortuitously, no fatalities. A few minor injuries. Extensive damage to homes, businesses and property; many people evacuated.
Enquiry status: Ongoing.

Ringmer - Fireworks Factory.

Fire triggering multiple explosions.
Tragically, two fatalities. 11 people injured. Some damage to homes and property. Some people evacuated.
Enquiry status: Launched Immediately.

Iraq - War Zone.

Multiple explosions, fires
126 British Soldiers killed. 2,897 U.S. Soldiers killed. Several hundred thousand Iraqis killed. Massive devastation to homes and property. Countless people evacuated.

Enquiry status: Not Deemed Necessary.

Collective Responsibility

2006-12-04T18:11:00.000Z

Tony:

Right, Cabinet, could all colleagues indicate in the usual way whether they would like tea, please.

OK, good - no dissenters. So everyone supports replacing Trident then. Next item...

Waste Disposal

2006-12-02T19:47:00.000Z

If you chew gum, here's a good tip:

When you've finished chewing and want to get rid of it, stick it on the nearest chair, table or anywhere else that comes to hand or just spit it out onto the pavement.
Don't worry.... someone else will clear up your mess.

If you smoke, here's a good tip:

When you've finished, chuck the butt on the floor [stamping it out is optional], or flick it with your fingers several yards away or, best of all, if you're driving, open the window and let it fly away.
Don't worry... someone else will clean up your mess.

If you've got an army, here's a good tip:

Make sure it's under-strength and ill-equipped , split it up and send it off to some hot, dusty, faraway places and let it get shot at, bombed and accused of war crimes.
Don't worry... someone else will clear up your mess, Tony.

Road Pricing

2006-12-01T09:47:00.000Z

Proposed Maximum Charges:

A and B roads throughout the UK: 20p per mile.
All Motorways throughout the UK: £100 per month.
The Road to Peace in Iraq: one thousand British lives.

Honest John

2006-11-30T11:26:00.000Z

H.O. Official: Home Secretary, the whole of the Harmondsworth Immigration Removal Centre has been gutted. What are we going to do with the 5oo detainees?

John: Send in excavators. Dig a big hole in the excercise yard, dump them in it and fill it in. Make sure there's an airspace embargo in place while you're doing it.

H.O. Official: You mean bury them, Home Secretary? Isn't that a bit extreme?

John: The Home Office has been burying the immigration figures for years. All we're doing is burying the immigrants instead. It's a much more honest approach.

H.O. Official: I suppose so. Do we machine-gun them first?

Religious Tolerance

2006-11-29T10:49:00.000Z

Benedict:

Thank you for such a warm welcome to Turkey. Turkey is a great country. In fact it is my third favourite country in the whole world!

And Muslims? I love Muslims. In fact Islam is my second favourite religion in all the world! People think I hate Islam: I don't hate Islam!

I just hate Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, Rastafarians, Scientologists, any Christians besides RC and I have a particular loathing for those irritating Jehovah's Witnesses who come banging on the door of the Vatican every few weeks and try and tell ME about God.

Trip Of A Lifetime

2006-11-28T12:45:00.000Z

Teacher: Right, Children. This is the itinerary for next week's trip.

First stop Afghanistan to check on the opium trade.

Those who don't get shot there will move on to Iraq to spend a day shadowing the new security forces.

Any lucky ones who escape being blown up will travel on to Lebanon to take part in - yes, you've guessed it - what you've all been waiting for! - the great Cluster Bomb Hunt.

Please tell your parents that thorough risk assessments have been carried out and that you are much more likely to be run over by a bus than have an accident on a School Trip. Questions? Yes, Johnny?

Child: Is the bus driver Tony Blair?

Slave To Politics [This Is Not An Apology]

2006-11-27T20:52:00.000Z

" The Government Protects Slaves"

Tony:

I wish to express my deep sorrow at our involvement in slavery, a profoundly shameful episode in our history.

To keep Gordon as my personal number-crunching slave for almost ten years, only allowing him out occasionally to utter bland platitudes, is obviously very regrettable and my only excuse is that the bastard deserves everything he gets.

And he won't be getting the Prime Ministership. Because he thinks it's his right but slaves don't have rights. Especially if they don't keep their mouths shut and do as they're fucking-well told. Thank you.

Global Village Idiot

2006-11-25T17:38:00.000Z

George: Uh-huh. Tony. How are you? How's Scheherazade?

Tony: Hello, George . You mean Cherie. She's fine. We're fine.

George: Good. I hear one of your citizens has been given radiation poisoning. Do we know who did it?

Tony: We think it's Putin.

George: Really? Do you want me to bomb him? Just say the word and I'll nuke the bastard. That'll show those pesky Iranians. I'm getting fed up...

Tony: George. Putin is the president of Russia. Not Iran.

George: Really? Well we can't bomb the Russians. That could de-stabilise the whole region. And South America's far too close to home.

Tony: [sigh] Yes, George.

George: I tell you what we could do, though. We could send over Condolisa Rice. That always scares the shit out of them. Quite frankly, Tony - off the record - she always scares the shit ot of me, too.

[ca va Mb - pour tu]

Mixed Messages

2006-11-24T13:51:00.000Z

Tony: Er... Patricia...?

Patricia: Prime Minister. How can I help?

Tony: Look, Patricia, we really must do something about these mixed wards.

Patricia: No worries, Prime Minister. It's all under control.

Tony: Yes, but a friend of mine went into hospital yesterday and he woke up to find the ward was full of Conservatives.

Rallying The Troops

2006-11-21T12:56:00.000Z

Soldier: Good morning, Prime Minister. Welcome to Afghanistan!

Tony: Thank you very much. I must say I'm a little surprised to see only one of you here.

Soldier: Ah, that's because there's only one British soldier per 900 square miles in Helmand province. And I'm the one for this 900!

Tony: I see.

Soldier: Jump in the jeep and we should meet another one this time the day after tomorrow.

Just Not Cricket

2006-11-20T16:00:00.000Z

Reporter: What do you think are our chances of retaining the Ashes, Prime Minister?

Tony: Well, you know it is not our instinct to cut and run. We've started on a certain course, there are problems, of course; the opposition is well-practised and ruthless and there are plenty of people who wish us to wave the white flag. But we will fight on and when we prevail, we will consolidate and build for the future securing peace and security.

Reporter: Er... I was talking about the cricket: not the ashes of Iraq.

The Big Decisions

2006-11-17T15:23:00.000Z

Tessa: Gordon, could you tell me whether the Olympics will have to pay VAT, please?

Gordon: Er... no. I can't tell you that.

Tessa: Oh. Right. Could you tell me, then, how much the government is planning to contribute to the re-generation scheme?

Gordon: Er... no. I can't tell you that.

Tessa: OK. Could you tell me if you're going to be a good Prime Minister?

Gordon: Er... no. I can't tell you that.

God's Gift To Children

2006-11-16T21:47:00.000Z

Michael:

Hey! You down there! Can you hold out a child to catch my Blanket?

Queen's Speech

2006-11-15T21:58:00.000Z

Elizabeth:

My Government:

will make a complete pig's ear out of the prison system.

My Government:

will create a monumental shambles out of immigration policy.

My Government:

will continue to totally fuck up Iraq.

But don't blame me. I'm just a little rich girl.

Democracy

2006-11-14T17:19:00.000Z

George: Fellow Americans, having consulted with the Iraq Study Group, I can now announce new initiatives which I am certain will solve all the difficulties we are presently experiencing.

First: we will install Coca-Cola fountains in every square, in every city, town and village in Iraq. We extend a welcome to all Insurgents to come and get their free Coca-Cola.
Second: we will open a Macdonalds on every street in every city, town and village in Iraq. Every Insurgent who puts down his weapons will be given a free Big Mac each week for life.
Third: we will distribute the full back catalogue of Disney films to every community, free of charge, so that all citizens of the new Iraq can learn for themselves, first hand, what the values of a truly free democracy are built on.

I believe this will solve the problems of Iraq at a stroke. God bless you. God Bless America. [I mean our God, of course]. Thank you.

Legacy

2006-11-13T12:23:00.000Z

At the going down of the sun

and in the morning -

REMEMBER ME

Reviewing The Situation

2006-11-10T15:00:00.000Z

George: Uh-huh. Tony? How are you?

Tony: Fine George, fine.

George: Good! And Charlie?

Tony: You mean Cherie. She's fine, too George.

George: Good, good. Look, Tony. We're reaching out for some new ideas on the Iraq situation. I wondered if you had anything to add to the mix. We need a new strategy. Any ideas?

Tony: Well George, why don't we re-name it?

George: Re-name it? I'm not sure I follow.

Tony: Call Iraq something different. A new country. Then it won't be our problem. And if anyone tries to blame us for Iraq we can say "Iraq doesn't exist". It won't mar my - our - legacy.

George: That's brilliant! Well done, Tony. What shall we call it?

Tony: Neverland.

Shock & Awe

2006-11-09T20:25:00.000Z

Reporter: Mr. Rumsfeld, do you think your sacking is an acknowledgement that your policy in Iraq has failed?

Donald: What policy?

Facing Facts

2006-11-08T10:57:00.000Z

Laura: It's not raining, George.

George: I know that, Laura. This is not an umbrella.

Bay Watch 1

2006-11-07T20:50:00.000Z

Reporter: Mr. President, do you think that the existence of Guantanamo Bay might help the Democrats in this election?

George: No, sir. They don't get the vote in Guantanamo.

All The Small Things

2006-11-06T11:43:00.000Z

Saddam: And another thing: I need extra dye for my beard as well.

Geting Shot Of Him

2006-11-05T23:32:00.000Z

Ed: He's guilty and they're going to hang him. So, Gozza, they're finally getting rid of the vile dictator.

Gordon: Run that past me again, Ed. How did they manage that?

Marry In Haste....

2006-11-04T14:35:00.000Z

Macca: I believe that these are private matters that should be conducted in secret and that everyone should behave with dignity.

Reporter: So, Sir Paul, what do you make of Heather's physial abuse allegations?

Macca: Well, that's as dignified as she can get.

Bloke Next Door

2006-11-03T20:00:00.000Z

Reporter: Chancellor, how do you respond to the latest figures that show that evictions and mortgage repossessions have jumped by 22% between July and September?

Gordon: Just the one eviction too few, I would suggest.

There [Was] Only One Miss England

2006-11-03T10:12:00.000Z

Reporter: Miss Lloyd, What do you feel about being stripped of your title?

Danielle: Well, I've stripped for Teddy, I've striped for Playboy so I might as well strip for England, as well, eh? A-Choo. Sorry. All this stripping's given me a bit of a cold.

Legal Niceties

2006-11-01T11:24:00.000Z

Judge: Mr. Griffin, you are charged with using words or behaviour intended to stir up racial hatred. How do you plead?

Nick: Not guilty, M'Lud.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, the alternative charge is that you used words or behaviour likely to stir up racial hatred. How do you plead?

Nick: Not guilty, M'Lud.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, if you were to be charged with using words or behaviour that very definitely will stir up racial hatred, how would you plead?

Nick: Very definitely guilty, M'Lud!

Tony's War

2006-10-31T22:34:00.000Z

Cherie: Tone, babe! You won the vote! Well done!

Tony: Thanks, Chezza.

Cherie: Now there won't be an inquiry into Iraq. That's good, isn't it?

Tony: Well... mixed feelings.

Cherie: Why's that?

Tony: Well an inquiry would have shown that everyobdy else is wrong, and I'm right.

Cherie: Yes. I suppose there is that.

Getting Real

2006-10-30T16:37:00.000Z

Reporter: Beck's, there's a lot of speculation about you moving back to a Premiership club.

David: I'm going nowhere.

Reporter: Really? Are you sure about that, Beck's? There's no smoke...

David: Like McLaren's England, I'm going nowhere.

Charles & Camilla's Adventures in Pakistan

2006-10-29T21:17:00.000Z

Charles: Camsy, luv, I know we're in Pakistan and this is traditional dress but no-one's going to recognise us. We'll have to take them off.

Camilla: Not until I've sorted my hair out, OK Chazza?

Charles: You know best, Camsy.

A Prudent Choice

2006-10-29T15:22:00.000Z

Reporter: David Cameron says he'll put in a wind turbine and solar panels if he gets into No. 10. What would you put in, Mr. Brown?

Gordon: I'd have a nice pond with water lillies and lots of that weed stuff round the edges.

Gozza: Do As I Say - Not As I Do

2006-10-28T11:43:00.000+01:00

Reporter: Mr. Brown, what is your opinion on competitive sport in schools?

Gordon: I'm all for it. I feel there are very important for lessons for youngsters - particularly in the run up to the 2012 Olympics in Londodn. Open, fair competition is healthy.

Reporter: So you would want to do away with the "prizes for all" culture?

Gordon: Absolutely. Yes.

Reporter: So, open, fair and healthy competition for everything?

Gordon: Definitely. I'm all for it

Reporter: So are you about to call for an open, fair and healthy, competition for the Leadeship of the Labour Party?

Gordon: Er...

Reporter: And if you were to be elected leader after an "open, fair and healthy" competition, presumably you would call an imediate election?

Gordon: Thank you. Any other questions?

Frog Blog 8

2006-10-28T09:39:00.000+01:00

Frog: What are you so excited about, Gozza?

Gordon: The clocks go back tonight, Frog!

Frog: And...?

Gordon: That means if they go back to 1997 I can re-negotiate my deal with Tony.

Frog: Gozza... get a life.

Gordon: Croak.