Blogonymous

Postscripts From Blogsville.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Hot Air

Prezza: Now, Conferance, I just want to say I'm sorry. I let the Country down, I let the Party down and I let myself down - which proves once and for all, exactly as everyone suspected, I am just a comedy balloon.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Prezza's Curse

Prezza: I'm giving my support to Gordon Brown for next Leader and Prime Minister.

Gordon: Oh, fuck...



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Gozza's Prize

Mandy: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

Cherie: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

Charles: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

Alistair: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

Alan: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

John: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

Tony: I would just like to say that I think Gordon is a jolly good chap...

All: And he would make an excellent Prime Minister... of the Scottish Parliament.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Chezza's Truth

Tony: And so, Conference, in my last speech to you as Leader, I give you - The Future.

Cherie: [aside - to fourteen hundred journalists] The Future's Murky, the Future's Brown.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Little Brown Lies [Frog Blog 4]

Gordon: Frog! Frog!

Frog: What is it, Gozza!

Gordon: Everything's OK! I've spoken to Chezza!

Frog: Oh, yes?

Gordon: Yes! She didn't say "That's a lie". She said " That's my boy"!

Frog: [aside] That's a lie. [to Gordon] Did she? Well that's OK then.

Gordon: It's like she's kissed me. And now I know I can be Prime Minister. Because she only says what Tony thinks. Everything's gonna be OK!

Gordon exits whistling "Things Can Only Get Better".

Frog: That's my boy.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

The Buzz-Word Queen

Interviewer: Ruth Kelly, do you think Tony Blair has been a good Prime Minister?
Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural-community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.
Interviewer: And do you think Gordon Brown would make a good Prime Minister?
Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural-community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.
Interviewer: And do you have ambitions of your own to be Prime Minister, one day?
Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural-community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.
Interviewer: Thank you, Ruth Kelly.
Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation...
Interviewer: No, really... thank you.
Later.
Child: Mum, what's for tea?
Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural-community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.
Child: Oh, not again. We had that yesterday.
© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Monday, September 25, 2006

Me-Tooism

Teacher: Now, children. When you grow up who wants to be... Prime Minister?

John: I do!

Alan: I do!

Charles: I do!

Margaret: I do!

Jack: I do!

Gordon: Me too, Miss!



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Nursery Whines

Gordon: Miss! Tony won't let me join in!

Tony: Miss! Gordon doesn't play fair!

Gordon: Miss! Tony's a twat!

Tony: Miss! Gordon's a moron!

Chairman: Right. If I can bring Conference to order. Is there any other business?

Tony: No.

Gordon: No.

Chairman: Then Conference is closed.

Conference: [singing] Should Auld Acquaintance be forgot....

Gordon: [whispering] Tosser!

Tony: [whispering] Git!

Gordon: I'm gonna tell Miss of you!

Tony: Good! She thinks you're a git as well...

Voices fade into the background as delegates head for the bar.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Gozza's Dream

Gordon: [aside] Don't mention New Labour. Don't mention New Labour. Don't mention New...

Aide: Are you ready, Gordon?

Gordon: Yes, yes. Of course. [aside] Don't mention New Labour. Mustn't mention New Labour...

Chairman: Conference, would you please welcome Gordon Brown!

Gordon: Chairman. Conference. Tony. New Labour is Dead! Long Live Old Labour!



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Friday, September 22, 2006

Frog Blog 3

Gordon: Frog, they've uncovered £8.4 billion of VAT fraud. How am I going to explain that?

Frog: Redistribution of Wealth?

Gordon: Do you think I can get away with that?

Frog: Well, you've got away with everything else since you've been Chancellor.

Gordon: Yes, I suppose so. [pause] You don't think I'll be letting the VAT out of the bag?

Frog: Is that a joke?

Gordon: Possibly...

Frog: Gozza, don't try to do jokes, OK? Stick to croaking vacuously.

Gordon: Yes, Frog.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Leadership Qualities

Ming: ...and finally, I end my keynote speech by asking Conference this question: Would you rather have a charismatic alcoholic leading your party or a sensible, if slightly dull, safe pair of hands?

Conference: Er...

Ming: No, don't answer that question.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

You Only Ming When You're Winning

Please Welcome...

The Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown MP - Prime Minister in Waiting.

Please Welcome...

The Rt. Hon. David Cameron MP - Prime Minister in Waiting.

Please Welcome...

The Rt. Hon. Menzies Campbell CBE QC MP - Prime Minister in Cloud Cuckoo Land.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Sir Charisma Rides Again

Ming: Since I became leader:
  • We have won the Bromley and Chislehurst by-election
  • We have gained more votes than the Beatles
  • Monkeys have started breeding in the Arctic
  • And I have delivered knock-out blows consitently at PM's Questions.

Now, I may not drink, experiment sexually or keep rent-boys in work but those who say I have no personality, and ought to stand down, might like to ponder what Coronation Street would be like without Bet Lynch.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Wrong Number

Phone: Ming-Ming Ming-Ming Ming-Ming Ming-Ming Ming-Ming

Charles: Simon, can you answer that, please.

Simon: Hello? Hello? [click] Funny...

Charles: Who is it...?

Simon: There's no-one there.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

W is for....

George: Uh-huh. Hey Tony. Haven't spoken for a while. How's tricks?

Tony: Hello, George. We're fine here.

George: And Chemise?

Tony: Cherie? She's fine.

George: Good. I was interested to hear that you've had a "W" imprinted on your forehead. Is that a tribute to your good old buddy George Dubyuh?

Tony: Well, George, actually...

George: Because we're pretty made-up about that over here.

Tony: Really...

George: And I've had an idea. We're going to get a branding iron...

Tony: A branding iron...?

George: You know like they use on cattle to show which ranch they belong to? Well, we're going to get a branding iron of the "Crooked TB". And I'm going to have it branded right here on my sweet ass.

Tony: Really, George? I...

George: Then you can come and kiss my ass, eh Tony? What do you think about that?

Tony: Well, it's sounds exciting. 'Bye George. [click] Chezza! Guess what. George wants me to go and kiss his ass!

Cherie: Good. Are you going to take Gordon with you so he can to do it too?

Tony: I don't think so. If he kisses George's ass he might turn into a Prime Minister.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Monday, September 18, 2006

Preparing For Power

Lib-Dem Conference.

Today's Fringe Meeting Schedule.

Title: The Effect of Binge Drinking on Society
Main Speaker: C. Kennedy
Location: Bar

Title: Gay Marriage - The Facts.
Main Speaker: S. Hughes.
Location: Closet.

Title: Proportional Representation: Don't Get Screwed Again.
Main Speaker: M. Oaten.
Location: Coffee Table.

Title: Leadership - The Main Prerequisites.
Main Speaker: T. Blair.
Location: M. Cambell's Room.




© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Minging It.

Ming: This is my first Autumn Conference since becoming leader earlier this year. Conference is arguably the most important point of contact for the entire party membership. From the fringe, to the main conference hall, to reacquainting ourselves with old colleagues, there never seems to be quite enough time. It is a focus for intense debate, friendly discussion and sometimes even agreement... pause for laughter...

Caretaker: Er... excuse me, Mr. Campbell...

Ming: Call me Ming.

Caretaker: ...er... Ming...er ... the Lib-Dem Conference is in Brighton this year. This is Blackpool.

Ming: Ah. Right. I see. What time's the next train to Brighton?
© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Frog Blog 2

Gordon: Frog...?

Frog: Yes, Gozza?

Gordon: Chezza slapped me.

Frog: Did she? Why, Gozza?

Gordon: Because I made bunny ears behind Tony's back.

Frog: Oh. I see. Serious. He hates to be belittled. He is very self-important. [aside] Bit like you.

Gordon: What?

Frog: Nothing.

Gordon: It's just that I was thinking. If Chezza and I made up, and she kissed me, do you think I would turn into a Prime Minister?

Frog: Gozza, luv. You're not a real Frog. [aside] You just look and act like one.

Gordon: What?

Frog: Nothing.

Gordon: Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Chezza's Justice

Tony: Chezza? Is it true? Did you slap him?

Cherie: Yes, Tone, babe. I did.

Tony: Why, Chezza?

Cherie: He was doing stuff behind your back.

Tony: But the police are investigating now.

Cherie: I'm sorry Tone, babe. But I was only standing up for you. Gordon desreved a slap, in my opinion.

Tony: I know. You're right. And thanks. It's just that I don't want people going round saying you're a slapper.


© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Friday, September 15, 2006

BLAIR SHOCK: I Quit!

Tony: Good morning everyone. Important announcement: I have quit binge drinking.

Press: [gasps, whistles, frantic scribbling]

Tony: And I've quit drugs.

Press: [more gasps, more whistles, more frantic scribbling]

Tony: And I've quit the five times a night with Chezza.

Press: [sharp intakes of breath, general incredulity]

Tony: Any questions?

Reporter: Er... Mr. Blair. Are you going to quit as Prime Minister as well?

Tony: Oh come on, now! You have to allow me just one little vice, don't you?



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Frog Blog 1

Gordon: Croak croak croak croak.

Frog: Er... sorry. I didn't get that. Can you say it again.

Gordon: Croak croak croak croak croak!

Frog: No. Sorry. Don't understand.

Gordon: Croak... Frog... if you kiss me will I turn into a Prime Minister?


© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels:

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

COPY-CAT RAY ATTACKS HIT PARLIAMENT

From our Political Editor.
Several Brownite back-stabbers have been found dead and dying in the gutters around Whitehall in what are feared to be revenge attacks for the apparent demise of Tony Blair, the once popular British television politician and war-games enthusiast.
The British authorities urged the dwindling band of Blair fans not to vent their grief by attacking the stabbers, whose barbed tails have been cut off by what is assumed to be disgruntled Blairites.
When asked to comment Downing Street issued the following statement: "The Prime Minister is not about to lose any sleep over those little pricks."
© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Labels: ,

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Winning.

Reporter 1: Mr. President, are we winning the War on Terror?

George: Yes, sir! We most certainly are winning that war.

Reporter 2: What evidence do you base that on, Mr. President?

George: Have you noticed any further attacks on the World Trade Center in the last five years?

Labels:

Monday, September 11, 2006

Soap Opera

Episode 241.

TUC: Prime Minister... Tony, we think you should step down.

Tony: Yes, fine, I'm with you on that. Who do you want to take over?

TUC: Er...

Tony: Gordon?

TUC: Er...

Tony: Anyone?

TUC: Er...

Tony: So do you think I've been a good leader?

TUC: Yes!

Tony: A good PM?

TUC: Yes!

Tony: Well for f**ks sake find a first-rate successor before you get rid of me and in the meantime let me get on with the job I'm qualified to do and I'm pretty bloody good at!

Episode 242.

Labour Party: Prime Minister... Tony, we think you should step down.

Tony: Yes, fine, I'm with you on that. Who do you want to take over?

Labour Party: Er...

Tony: Gordon?

Labour Party: Er...

Tony: Anyone?

Labour Party: Er...

Tony: So do you think I've been a good leader?

Labour Party: Yes!

Tony: A good PM?

Labour Party: Yes!

Tony: Well for f**ks sake...

Click.

Viewer 1: It's about time they came up with some original storylines, isn't it?

Viewer 2: Same old, same old. Our TV license fees go on this crap, you know.

Labels: ,

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Crown Jewels.

Sarah: Gordon! You're wearing Union Jack underpants!

Gordon: Well, Sazza... Tony has his Calvin Kleins...

Sarah: But no-one's going to see them but me... are they?

Gordon: Well, it's not what they look like but what's in them that counts.

Sarah: You mean just another load of Old Labour bollocks?

Labels:

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Passing The Baton

Mandy: Uh - hello, Tony.

Tony: Oh hi, Mandy - nice to hear from you - thanks for calling.

Mandy: This Charles Clarke thing's done us a bit of good, hasn't it?

Tony: You could certainly take that view! Yes it has!

Mandy: He's obviously making his Leadership bid.

Tony: Fat chance...!

Mandy: Yes, but I bet you'd rather he was PM than Gordonstoun.

Tony: Ha ha ha! You're not wrong about that!

Mandy: I bet you'd rather hand over to Prezza, even!

Tony: Ha ha ha! Priceless! Of course I would! It's good to talk to you, Mandy! Haven't laughed so much in years!

Mandy: Or even.... Margaret Beckett!

Tony: [near hysteria] Oh Mandy! You're a scream! Of course I would!

Mandy: Or how about... Ken Livingstone!

Tony: [on the floor] Oh, God! I can't speak for laughing. Yes! Definitely!

Mandy: Or possibly... David Cameron...?

Tony: Well of course, Mandy. It would be the best chance of continuing all my policies and cementing my legacy.

Labels:

Bitchin' Cabinet

Tony: Right everyone. That's almost it. But before we come to a close, I asked our former Home Secretary to be here today and Charles has been sitting here waiting very patiently. Over to you, Charles.

Charles: Thank you Prime Minister. Gordon, you're a cunt.

Tony: Right. Thank you, Charles. Any other business? No. See you all next time, then.

Labels:

Friday, September 08, 2006

An Orderly Transition

Reporter 1: Mr. Blair, how do you see the situation in Afghanistan at present?

Tony: No comment.

Reporter 2: Iraq?

Tony: Next question?

Reporter 3: Lebanon?

Tony: Look, chaps, I ...uh... I wish you press people would stop obsessing with minor details of foreign policy. You don't seem to realize, and I'm sure the British people need to know, that we are at the present time experiencing a major attempted coup here at home. In Britain. Yes. Perhaps you should ask your readers, the Great British Public, if they really want to return to the pre-Blair years. Because, quite frankly, post-Blair means pre-Blair. Yes? You follow?

Repoerter 1: What about the terrible situation in Gaza, Prime....

Reporter 2: He's gone.

Reporter 3: Er, Mr. Brown... could you comment on...

Reporters 1&2: He's gone.

Labels:

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Man Behind The Woman Behind The Man

Tony: Good morning everyone.

The Cabinet: Good morning Prime Minister.

Tony: I've asked Alistair to join us. Alistair?

Alistair: Hi, everyone. Nice to be back.

Gordon: [grunt]

Alistair: Now as you all know, in the face of all this frenzied media speculation, the one thing that Tony is really striving for is an orderly transition.

The Cabinet: Hear! Hear! [etc.]

Alistair: Well, this is how we do it.

Tony: Now listen to this everyone.

Alistair: We are going to retire an MP from a very safe seat. We are going to parachute in a specially selected fast-track candidate. Tony will then resign. And, by mutual agreement the new MP will be elected Leader, and thus - Prime Minister.

Tony: Good eh? Now you're wondering who, yes?

Alistair: Show her in, Prezza.

Enter Cherie.

Alistair: May I introduce Ms. Cherie Booth, QC. Welcome, Ma'm.

Tony: Say hello to your new colleagues, Chezza.

Cherie: Good morning dear Cabinet colleagues. Is that OK, Tone, babe?

Gordon: [coughing fit]

Alistair: Are you OK, Gordon?

Tony: [thumping Gordon on back] Did something go down the wrong way?

Labels:

Monday, September 04, 2006

New World Order

Tony: Oh uh - hello, George.

George: Tony! Nice to hear from you! How's Checkers?

Tony: Fine, fine.

George: Good. Give her my best. And how's that fine country mansion you have that you took me to last visit?

Tony: Er... fine. Fine.

George: Good. What can I do for you, Tony?

Tony: Well, George, it's like this. When I eventually have to go...

George: Go?

Tony: Yes... you know... step down . As PM.

George: Do you have to do that? I'm sorry to hear that, Tony. Not like me - President for life, eh?

Tony: Er... yes. Anyway. I was hoping perhaps I could become the next Secretary-General of the United Nations. With your help, of course, George.

George: Surely not Tony! Surely you want a much higher profile than that? You have to aim for something much, much bigger. I'm mean, you'd have no power, no influence, no kudos and no chutzpa. Are you putting me on, Tony? I think this is one of your sly little jokes, isn't it? You know, Tony, I couldn't even tell you who the present Secretary-General is - that tell's you about importance-ratios, don't it? Guy like you has to aim higher, Tony. Much, much higher.

Tony: Ok, George. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

Labels:

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Button Pusher

George: Uh huh. Hiya'll Tony. Can I just run this past you. Now you have a theme song don'tcha? That you play at conferances and such?

Tony: Yes, George I do. Things Can Only Get Better. Though I don't use that one any more. Gordon suggested I use Out Of Time. The bastard.

George: OK, get this. I've come up with a theme song for me!

Tony: Oh, yes? [hand on phone - whisper to Cherie] George has come up with a theme song!

Cherie: Don't tell me - Pink Floyd The Lunatic is on the Grass?

Tony: Oh, stop it, Chezza! [into phone] Fire away, George. What is it?

George: Sugarbabes.

Tony: Sugarbabes...?

Cherie: Sugarbabes!

George: Yes. Push The Button. What do you think?

Tony: I think... um... I think you might consider a Pink Floyd song, perhaps.

Labels:

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Free Saddam Hussein!

George: Uh huh. Hey, Tony.

Tony: Oh, hiya, George.

George: Now get this. This is mindblowing. You're just not gonna believe this idea I've had.

Tony: An idea, George?

George: You bet your sweet ass!

Tony: OK, George. Let's hear it.

George: We free Saddam...

Tony: Free Saddam...?

George: Exactly. Free him. Let him off. Give him a repieve. Exeronerate him.

Tony: You mean exonerate. Then what?

George: Invade Iran. Put Saddam in as leader. He does what we say. He's our puppet. Like before.

Tony: Yes... but suppose he gets nuclear weapons...

George: Not a chance. Remember the pig's ear he made of Weapons of Mass Destruction? We knew for years he hadn't got any.

Tony: We did...?.

George: That sorts out the whole region for us.

Tony: It does...?

George: Better believe it. Knocks the Ayahtollah right off the f***ing mountain. Heh heh heh.

Tony: Ok, George. How do we sell this?

George: You're good at writing dossiers, Tony. Write one about what a big mistake it all was. How in fact Saddam was working for us all the time. You know the sort of thing. Everyone always belives you, Tony.

Cherie: Tone babe...?

Tony: Hang on a minute, George.

George: Is that Chesney? Give her my best.

Cherie: Oh, no - is that the Old Tosser from over the pond again?

Tony: No, Chezza.

Cherie: Now don't tell fibs, Tone, babe. You know how your ears always go pink. Everyone can tell these days.

Tony: George... I'll... er... get back to you.

Labels:

Friday, September 01, 2006

Specularation.

George: Uh huh. Hiya'll, Tony!

Tony: Hello, George.

George: I was wondrin', Tony, my advisors are telling me that there's a lot of specularation, Tony, about whether you're gonna step down an' all.

Tony: You mean speculation.

George: That's what I said. Specularation.

Tony: [sigh]

George: Anyways, isn't it a bit de-stabilising. How are you coping with it?

Tony: Easy, George. While there's lots of spec...

George: ...specularation...

Tony: ...speculartion, then nobody's plotting to get rid of me. So the more speculartion the better. That's why I started it.

George: Why that's genius, Tony. I think I'll try the same tactic.

Click.

Tony: George, you have a fixed term.... He's gone.

Cherie: Who was that? The Old Tosser from over the pond?

Tony: Yes, Chezza.

Labels: